


But now I realise: it was always you.

by Heyashes



Series: A thousand years and a thousand more. [1]
Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotionally Constipated Dan, Existential Crisis, Late at Night, M/M, Texting, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 05:18:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3345014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heyashes/pseuds/Heyashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stumbles on a rumpled shirt on the floor and a rather loud "Fuck!" escapes his lips.<br/>The screen of his phone immediately lightens up with an iMessage notification because the walls in this freaking flat are thin as fucking paper.</p><p>'Existential crisis?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	But now I realise: it was always you.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, uhm. This is my first work in this fandom, so I hope it's not too bad.  
> The title is from the song "It was always you" by Maroon 5, which also kind of inspired the whole thing.
> 
> This is unbeta'd and written at three am while mourning over the lonely night I'm going to spend on Valentine's, so it's probably going to be... weird. Sorry in advance for any possible mistake!  
> Hope you enjoy. All the love xx

It's 3 am and Dan can't sleep.  
It's nothing new, really. Problem is, it's 3 am, Dan can't sleep and he's completely, utterly restless.  
He's been trying to shut down his brain for at least an hour now, and he's getting a little bit more than frustrated.

He gets up and starts to pace in his rather small room, running his his hands through his hair and muttering curses under his breath: he's going to lose his mind if he doesn't do something about the thing that's eating him.  
He stumbles on a rumpled shirt on the floor and a loud "Fuck!" escapes his lips.  
The screen of his phone immediately lightens up with an iMessage notification because the walls in this freaking flat are thin as fucking paper.

_'Existential crisis? '_

Dan snorts: his friend knows him so well it's almost ridiculous at times.  
Friend.  
He cringes at the word and plops down on the bed with a pained sigh.

**'You could say that. Definitely getting there.'**

He makes the effort to get back under the covers, even tho he knows it's no use: he's been trying to avoid overthinking like the plague lately, knowing it would definitely lead to the mother of existential crisis, and the more he thinks that, the more he feels it crawl under his skin like a spider.

_'Are you going to tell me about it or...?'_

**'It's all Valentine's day's fault.'**

And Dan wants to smack himself in the head at that, 'cause what kind of come back is that?

_'Valentine's day?'_

Exactly that. He panics for a moment: how in hell is he going to get out of this one?  
He groans internally, thinking about not answering and lie about it in the morning and say he's passed out, putting a lot on emphasis on the act that if he's managed to fall asleep, it really was nothing to worry about.  
But then again, Phil knows him too well to not be able to tell if he's spent the night lying awake and cursing his own life.

**'Yes. All the commercials on tv are making me nervous.'**

Dan is sure that if he was attached to one of those machines that are able to tell if you're lying or not, it would explode from the amount of shit he's telling. And Phil's first text only came less than 10 minutes ago.

_'And?'_

**'And it pisses me off that people who are in a relationship seem to remember they have a significant one to show their love to only on the 14th of February while people who are single or in love with someone who doesn't like them back have to be reminded everyday that they're not wanted.'**

His fingers are experiencing something dangerously close to a word-vomit, Dan is sure about it. Or maybe his brain has finally turned into complete, wobbly mush.  
He needs to stop (not) thinking. Or existing, for that matter: this whole conversation is too weird even for his and Phil's standards.

_'Dan, do you fancy someone?'_

"Fuck my life," Dan whines to himself and turns his head to press his face into the pillow in a faint attempt to suffocate himself or something.  
He decides to try and play it cool.

**'Why do you think that? I don't fancy anyone.'**

_'"People who are single or in love with someone who doesn't like them back." You would've just mentioned singles if you weren't into someone.'_

Phils is damn good at reading Dan and Dan hates him.

**'Maybe I'm not into someone and I just didn't want to leave people out.'**

He's cimbing wall like freakin' Spider-Man and he can tell he's going to fall and brain himself pretty soon.  
He's not going to leave this world without fighting, tho. Hell no.  
He's going to die with his honour intact. At least what's left of it. _  
_

_'Yeah, yeah. You gave me the whole "I care too much about people" talk enough times.'_

**'Exactly that.'**

_'One in particular, apparently.'_

**'Shut up.**

If Dan had a big, white flag at hand now, he'd be waving it over his head as he makes his way to the kitchen in just his striped boxer briefs to make himself a tea in the hope of keeping his brain occupied enough to not kill himself.  
He puts the kettle on and leans against the table rubbing his face: 2 years. It's been two years and he's  _this_ close to explode.

"You alright?"

Dan flails and almost falls face first to the floor when Phil's voice reaches him from the doorway behind him: he was so deep in thought that he didn't even hear him walk in.  
He swallows thickly and nods, trying to regain some composure as Phil, clad in one of Dan's faded hoodies and thick sweats, sits on the counter.   
It's funny how Dan would sleep in just his underwear even in February, while Phil wouldn't leave his pjs for the world, not even during the summer. Or at least that's what Dan finds himself thinking.

"Yeah, I'm good," He hums shaking his head as to say there's nothing to worry about. "Tea?" He offers pointing to the kettle.

Phil nods, and Dan proceeds to fill two mugs to the brim before handing him one.  
They sit in peaceful silence for a couple of minutes, and as he sips the boiling hot liquid, Dan thinks that maybe they're not going to talk about the whole thing anymore.

"You can talk to me, you know,"

"Fuck off."

" _Dan_!"

And the look on Phil's face is so shocked and vaguely hurt that Dan wants to delete his own life and have his ass kicked by Muhammad fucking Ali for being the biggest jerk on the planet and make someone as gentle and adorable as Phil sad.  
He sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head at himself.

"Sorry, dude," He sighs again, looking Phil in the eyes but forcing himself to not really see them because of how ashamed he feels. "I mean it, I'm sorry. It's just..." He groans and almost slams his hand on the wooden surface of the table because of how frustrated he feels. "You're right, I like someone. There, I said it."  
"Yeah, that's been pretty clear from the beginning," Phil comments with a light shrug.

Dan doesn't know what to do: not talking is going to make him look like a complete asshole. But if he talks... he may say things he might regret.  
"It's complicated," He shakes his head playing with the spoon in his mug and staring at the tea in it like it contains all the answers. He takes a deep breath, then shoots. "It's someone I shouldn't be in love with."

An then he reezes: he's just admitted he's  _in love_. Out loud. Those are big words: it's different from fancying someone.  
Phil is nice enough to not mention it, tho.  
"Is it some older woman?" Dan looks a Phil like he's completely mental. " _What_? You make comments on people's mums all the time!"  
"That is called  _sarcasm_ , you moron!" Dan replies running a hand on his face like he can't believe Phil's just said that but finds himself chuckling anyway.  
Phil rolls his eyes at him, but the smile he's trying to hide gives him away.  
They go back to their comfortable silence after that, until Dan finds himself staring. Thank god Phil seems to not have noticed, and he shakes his head at himself.  
"I just feel like it's bother me more than it should," he says before he can stop himself. Phil raises a questioning brow at him. "Who this person is, I mean."  
"What do you mean who they are?"

Dan bites his lip: 'this is it', he thinks. 'It's now or never, Dan. You decide if you want to be a pussy about it or not.'  
"It's a," He swallows, biting the inside of his cheek. "It's a guy."  
Pussy. Coplete, utter pussy. He wants to smack himself in the face with a blender.  
"So?" Phil's face is even more confused than it was before and Dan panics: the last thing he want is people to think he's homophobic or something.

He's the farthest thing from homophobic, really: he recieves tons of emails and tweets from fans who thank him from helping them to accept themselves and therefore to come out to their friends and family and Dan is happy for every single one of them. He's happy to be able to help people with his videos.  
But the whole situation is new to him, and as much as he tries to not let it affect him, it does. It does and he hates it.

"I've never liked a guy before," He replies in a weak voice and an even weaker shrug. "I've always been into girls. And... I know there's nothing wrong with havig feelings for someone of your same sex but it's a bit, you know," He clears his throat awkwardly. "Confusing," He watches as Phil gives him a small nod, both to keep him talking and to tell him he understands. "I don't want it to bother me. I've always been all about the personality and all that crap. I still am. But... somehow it bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me, you know what I mean? I hate that I'm letting something like that get on me. It makes it sound wrong. And I know that it isn't."

He stops talking only when he feels Phil's hand squeeze his shoulder and he realise he's been rambling without even bothering to breathe for a good minute. He blinks at his friend and takes a deep breath.  
"Maybe it's not the fact that it's a guy that bothers you," Phil offers with a casual hint in his voice. "Maybe you're freaking out because of who they are in your life."

Dan is glad that Phil isn't bombarding him with questions like 'do I know them?' or 'what do they look like?'. Because he and Phil are so much more than that. He's glad that his best friend is trying to help him rather than hear the useless details.   
He slides next to Phil on the counter and gently bumps their shoulders together with a grateful smile on his lips, because Phil has definitely understood what the whole point is.  
"Maybe that's why, yeah," He agrees softly, finishing his tea.  
"You should tell them, by the way," Phil replies with the same tone. "Maybe they like you back. You'll never know if you don't try. And if you like them, they must be nice. So don't think they would, you know. Judge you or something," He hums, then shrugs. "I would't judge you for something like that."  
Dan smiles again and nods, reaching out to pat Phil's back and hop off the counter and put his mug in the sink. "Thanks, dude." He turns around to give Phil a nod when he reaches for the door and gets one back.  
"It's no problem, mate," Phil replies kicking his feet a bit and holding his still half full mug in his cold hands. "Goodnight."  
"Goodnight." Dan replies, then goes back to his room.

 

 

It's 3.50 am and Dan is a little bit closer to falling asleep.  
He lets out a relaxed sigh as he crawls under the thick duvet and reaches for his phone where he left it under the pillow.

**'Phil?'**

_'Hmm?'_

**'It's you.'**

**Author's Note:**

> This goes to Sacha. For being my best friend, my anchor and my very own Phil Lester irl.  
> Oh, and for helping me to develop this at 3 am without a second thought.
> 
> I now take prompts so feel free to drop an ask here: boollshit.tumblr.com


End file.
